Thursday, April 1, 2010


Of all the things that I know God wants for me, I believe that authenticity is at a premium and my ability to be authentic is closely tied to my willingness to be transparent.

I have been so hesitant to blog my thoughts in this current season of my life for a host of reasons that I now realize are mostly rooted in fear.

I choose to not be run by fear.

Here are my efforts in faith.

I woke up this morning as I have for so many mornings in the past few months, arguing with myself. Arguing about why I should get up and start the day BEFORE the kids get up. I know all the lies and I know all the truths, yet the arguments persist. When I finally got up (after 45 minutes of losing the argument) I asked the Lord in the shower, "Why does my heart long for bondage? If I was made for freedom, why does it seem so hard? Why is it that when I'm not in chains, that they look so attractive?"

This argument pertains to several things in my life right now: Mike's job, our decision to homeschool, my health and the space and location of our home.

While putting on my make-up I felt the Lord remind me of the Israelites and their unending complaining about being in the wilderness. Over and over and over again they said to Moses and God, "Take us back to Egypt, it was so much better there!" and even romanticized the memory of their slavery.

I decided to read some of this account and asked God to speak to me.

In Numbers 13 the Lord told Moses to send out some spies to check out the land he was giving them. 12 went out and 10 came back overwhelmed at the obstacles. The negative words spread through the multitude like lightning. It's crazy how fast bad news traveled even then! Once again the people falsely remembered Egypt as some sort of paradise by comparison to their current surroundings.

But there were two who remembered what the Lord had promised. There were two who had faith. There were two who believed what the Lord has spoken to them about a good land.

Then I got to Numbers 14:26 :
26 And the LORD spoke to Moses and Aaron, saying, 27 “How long shall I bear with this evil congregation who complain against Me? I have heard the complaints which the children of Israel make against Me. 28 Say to them, ‘As I live,’ says the LORD, ‘just as you have spoken in My hearing, so I will do to you: 29 The carcasses of you who have complained against Me shall fall in this wilderness, all of you who were numbered, according to your entire number, from twenty years old and above. 30Except for Caleb the son of Jephunneh and Joshua the son of Nun, you shall by no means enter the land which I swore I would make you dwell in.

The first part of verse 29 is what got my attention: the carcasses of you who have complained against Me shall fall in this wilderness.

As I looked up the root words for 'complained against' it seems that may not be a powerful enough translation. It seems to suggest stubbornness, to remain, lodge or abide with piety and haughtiness.

What I felt He was showing me was this: those of you who think you know better and refuse to trust Me will not see the promise.

Back to my daily morning argument.

My arguments are really my complaining to God about my current circumstances. They are my stubborn prideful frustrations with the present surroundings. It is from my lack of faith and vision for the promise He has given me. It's because I'm focusing on the challenges instead of my Deliverer.

When all is said and done, I want Mike to be satisfied and fulfilled at his job. I want my kids to know the fullness of God's abundant provision. I want my body to be a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable. I want my home to be a place of grace and love where ministry abounds. But despite all my wants it seems as though all I can see are a whole bunch of insurmountable giants.

However, the truth is I am free! He has delivered me from oppression and slavery and is bringing me to a broad place of provision and blessing. The truth is I have a choice. I can choose to be overwhelmed by the deterrents in front of me or I can "get up at once and take possession, for I am able to overcome it." (Caleb-Numbers 13:30 NKJV)

So if the face off is to move across the country, plan and be disciplined, sacrifice and persistence, diligence and humility that's okay. I must tell my heart, "don't rebel. We have no reason to be afraid of the people who live there. The LORD is on our side, and they won't stand a chance against us!" (Number 14:9 CEV)

I love the whole section of Philippians 2:12-18 but verses 13 and 14 seem especially appropriate:
For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose. Do everything without complaining and arguing.

Lord Jesus, may your death that bought my freedom not be in vain in my life today. You are bigger, not only than my past bondage and future trials but also bigger than my land of blessing. I know that you care more for the heart of man than the comfort of the flesh. I want Your passion to be my vision and heartbeat. Change my fickle mind and selfish heart Lord. I want to treasure this "wilderness time" of depending on your provision and stop complaining. Thank you for your unending patience and grace. You are on my side and I trust You. Please help my faith find its work.

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