Thursday, July 23, 2009

You Are It!

This week is a marker of sorts for me. I have mentioned before that 2008 was the most difficult year of my life and the middle of July was it's peak. Thankfully some things are very blurry, but some things are extremely, fiery vivid. Here were some of my circumstances:
  • At 15 weeks along, I lost another pregnancy.
  • I knew for over a week that the life within me was gone.
  • This loss was just days before the due date of my previous loss just 4 short months prior.
  • I was also still grieving the loss of 2 adult friendships and felt alone.
  • I was very angry with myself for my response to the sonogram technician and not getting a picture of my child.
  • I was angry at God and angry at the devil.
But one of the most vivid memories that I have is this; I had been hiding, almost under the covers for some time and along came Saturday night. At that time, The Roots Community was meeting on Saturday evenings, and at Mike's gentle persuasion I went to the staff meeting before church and the following service. I skipped several weeks prior and decided to go SOLELY with the intention of putting my happy face on and to find something else to think about. I don't think most of The Roots Community even knew I was pregnant.

At the start of the meeting Jesse, in his excellent coaching fashion, posed a thought to us. And in a spirit of unity, authenticity and accountability asked us all to go around the table and share what we felt like God had been speaking to us this week. So much for 'playing church' this day! Not only did my happy face leave but my tears became uncontrollable. I knew that I had a free ticket to not share and I didn't want to for a host of reasons. As I listened to others go around the table sharing their struggles and victories, my turn came.

I so badly wanted to pull myself together. I hate crying in public settings like this. In all my own strength I mustered out some words about having a purpose and a calling and just willing my way through this part of life, not at all revealing the reason for my tears and pain.

I was so hurt and confused and was battling blaming God. I was in no way ready to ask Him, "What are You trying to tell me?" I had been at this very awful place such a short time ago and did not want to be here again.

However, this really was a question in my heart.

Prior to this time Mike had lovingly suggested to me that maybe "Why" was not the best question to ask. But that the "What" questions might more easily have answers.

And I knew that in this circumstance, he was right.

Fast forward to some time later. I finally got still before the Lord. You know, the kind of stillness that comes at 2 am after wresting in your mind to the point of exhaustion but only to find no solution. With all the courage and vulnerability I could come up with, I asked the Lord,"What are you trying to tell me?"

In the most gentle, tender, all loving, soul captivating, and equally vulnerable way, I felt Him ask me, "Will you still trust me?"

(long pause)

What a question. It was not 'Do you still trust me?' as if there was some sort of contractual obligation. Is was not 'Can you still trust me?' as if somehow I had been unforgivably betrayed. The question was 'Will you still trust me?'. As in, a present, active, conscience choice. A choice even though I can't understand why. A choice when I don't trust my circumstances. A choice when I can't see the bigger picture.

As I searched my soul for an answer, my mind was taken to this passage of scripture in John. Jesus had just taught at the synagogue about feasting on Himself in order to have life. And some of his disciples said; "This is a tough lesson Jesus, in fact, too tough for us." Many of His disciples left and followed Him no more. Then Jesus turns to the 12 and(I believe humbly and lovingly, giving freedom and grace) asks, "Do you want to leave, too?"

Peter replied, "To whom would we go? You are It!"

So, to answer His question 'Will you still trust Me?' my heart settled on the answer 'Who else can I trust?'

Who else can handle the great depth of my need? Who else can I bring my brokenness and pain to for healing and restoration? Who else can make this work for my good and Your glory? Who else can bring order and even blessing from this chaos and mess? You are It!

So in remembering life a year ago, circumstances are different now. Time has passed and healing has come. But the questions are still the same:
  • Will I trust Him when circumstances are not ideal?
  • Will I trust Him when I can't see past this moment?
  • Will I trust Him when my heart has been beaten and broken?
  • Will I trust Him when the lessons are tough?
  • Will I trust Him when things feel out of control?
  • Will I trust Him when I have only questions?
The answer is also still the same; Who else can I trust?
"Lord God who rules over all,
everything you do is great and wonderful.
King of the ages,
your ways are true and fair.
Lord, who will not have respect for you?
Who will not bring glory to your name?
You alone are holy.
All nations will come
and worship you.
They see that the things you do are right."
Revelation 15:3-4

Jesus, You ARE It!!

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