Tuesday, October 13, 2009


I am in week four of a nine week in-depth Beth Moore bible study of the book of Esther. One of the overriding themes of the book is the subject of destiny and Beth has offered many great nuggets of truth on the matter. I think the one that has struck me most profoundly thus far is this:
"One of the most important parts of fulfilling our destiny will be our transparency."

I believe that our transparency is so closely tied to our authenticity. Being authentic to me means being honest about who I am and where I am, and being transparent means that I allow you to see that honesty. Because as I become transparent, that is when someone will be able to identify with me.

The enemy has been messing with me about some fears and I believe the Lord has just said, "Okay, we're gonna deal with this one now."

My fear is this: Someone might judge me (or my family) because of mistakes I've made.

So, instead of living in fear that my past might somehow "get out," I think it's time to be transparent and stop letting the enemy bully me into a false isolation.

So here is my past that I have been so afraid of; My kids are not perfect. I am not perfect. My hubby is not perfect. My marriage is not perfect, nor is my home or my schooling. My kids make mistakes. Big ones! I make mistakes. Big ones! My man makes mistakes. Big ones! I have offended people and hurt their feelings. I am selfish and unloving. I am proud and impatient. I yell at my husband and kids. I screw up all the time, daily, and mostly every bit of it is unintentional. But here is the key that I feel like the Lord has given me to get out of this bondage: I am His sheep and I know His voice and He leads me to repentance.

So there it is. My kids make mistakes. My hubby makes mistakes. I make mistakes. But in the eyes of the lover of my soul, I have found grace and forgiveness and release. Because that is what repentance brings.

Beth suggests these thoughts in my study:
Acts 3:19-20 says this: Repent therefore and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that the times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that He may send Jesus Christ who was preached to you before. You see, repentance is not the punishment! It is my glorious right as a daughter of the King. It is my invitation to restoration.

To be repentant means to be regretful and remorseful and contrite. And not in a "sorry I got caught" kind of way, but a godly rue that brings change. In other words, my initial actions showed that I wasn't looking at things how God does, but now I have come to God's stance on the issue and am agreeing with Him that my actions were wrong! Repentant I am and have been over some very specific wrongs I have tried to make right.

Here are some more thoughts Beth offered that spoke to me:
As painful as the process may be, that which shatters our superficiality also shatters the fetters of our fragility and frees us to walk with dignity and might to our destinies.
Is has been brutally painful to have forgiveness withheld especially after numerous attempts for restoration. And I have been unnecessarily fragile in this cage of fear, being so afraid of what someone might think of me. But if this is the process that needed to happen to break and shake off a superficial exterior then so be it! The truth is, I struggle with so many issues and so many insecurities; I am such a mess. But the greater truth is the fact that I am made whole solely by the refreshing presence of the Lord who patiently, faithfully leads me. I am nothing without Him and He is everything. I want to walk in dignity and strength into my calling and my destiny and I think the only way I can do that with honor and power is to do it humbly with a heart that stands in agreement with Him.

Jesus, against you and you alone I have sinned and done what is evil in your sight. Search me O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me into the way everlasting. You must increase and I must decrease. Please continue to break and shake off my superficial baggage of fear and shame that attempt to hide You. It is your kindness Lord, that leads me to repentance. You are kind and I am repentant. May I be so transparent that others see right through me to You. You are truly the only thing worth gazing at.

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