Hard Things

Hard things

I used to blog so regularly. It was such good therapy for me and so often help me see how God was working in my life. But seasons change and I stopped doing it. However, I find myself full of words and needing to express how I see God working yet again.

Recently, I have had to walk through a hard thing: losing a child in the second trimester of pregnancy. Hard things are hard. So many thoughts and feelings and emotions. Grief, fear, anger, questions, denial, pain. Such strong things. 

I have to back up and tell you a little more of my story. 

This pregnancy was quite a surprise for me. Now, I’m old enough to know exactly how this works. And I do mean exactly. Just to be transparent, Mike and I were intentionally preventing this. 

I have to back up a little more. This is my 7^th pregnancy.  However, I only have 3 children with me on this side of heaven. Lauren and Moriah were two healthy pregnancies back to back 5 years apart. 2 years after Moriah was born, we experienced our first loss at 17 weeks along. The second loss was right after the first at 15 weeks in. That loss was difficult in every sense of the word.

4 years later I found myself pregnant again and miscarried at 10 weeks.  

Three more years passed and along came sweet little Hollis. A surprise blessing of a full term, beautifully healthy pregnancy, delivery and baby!

Then, this littlest Pueschell came and stole our hearts. He was loved, prayed for and anticipated with joy for 19 weeks before he entered his home in heaven. With this kind of history, I tell you that God, Mike and I have covered some ground here before. 

After the initial shock of seeing two pink lines on that test, reality began to settle in. I told God, “OK. I’m in. I’m yours and this body is yours and I trust you.” Because of my three prior losses, my pregnancy with Hollis was nearly unbearable with stress. I battled fear that I would lose him too. I battled fear like never before while pregnant with him. I even battled fear for quite a while after he got here safely. So to find myself pregnant again, was quite surreal. It felt only laughable. We wont even discuss the fact that I’m 41 and all that brings to the equation. However, at the end of the day, I hopped on board with God, trusting his faithfulness for me and our family. I chose joy. Oh such joy. 

Back to the last few weeks. I felt a shift in the pregnancy and began to worry. I battled and reassured myself all was fine. But the worry did me in and I finally called the midwife and went in for a check. Low and behold our sweet little one was perfectly fine. I saw the baby myself on the sonogram screen in the office, the heartbeat was nice and strong. Little one was even moving his hands, almost seemingly waving at me to as if to say “Hey mom, all is good in here!” Relief came flooding like a storm surge. Yet a few days later, I was battling my emotions and things I thought I was feeling/not feeling again. I just kept rehearsing to myself, all is well, and was running in and out of His peace. Finally, only 13 days after my previous visit, along came Wednesday, our official sonogram visit. The big one they do half way to measure growth of the baby and determine the gender.  

The technician found no heartbeat. 

There are just no words.

Now I find myself walking this familiar and awful road again. Raw. Empty, yet full of emotions. This, this is a hard thing. 

As I began searching for Jesus, I compared myself to other people have to walk through hard things. Wild fires, hurricanes, public shootings, you pick a national disaster. Cancer, divorce, a terminally sick child. I can certainly imagine more difficult things than my current situation.  A small amount of comfort came in the comparison. But really, when you are in the middle of a hard thing, the truth is, it’s just dang hard! And it is not to be compared or minimized to someone else’s hard thing.

When previously walking this road, the only way I found peace was in surrender. So I surrendered. I surrendered much more quickly this time than the last time I found myself here. I reminded God that I meant it 14 weeks ago when I said I was “in”. I asked him to teach me how to grieve. To teach me how to suffer well. He reminded me of an encounter with a man in John chapter 9. The disciples are walking by a blind man and they ask Jesus, who sinned, the man or his parents? Jesus’ response was: Neither, It was so that the power of God might be seen in him. 

Wow.

Another hard part that was different from my previous losses was having an active family, and the fact that life does indeed go on. Trying to juggle around trips that had been planned, birthdays, schedules, etc brought to the surface in me an idol of control that was ugly. Almost before I had begun walking this road, in my grief and anger I missed several potential opportunities for God’s power to be seen. Grief is a hard thing. And surrender is a daily choice that grief does not give exemption from. I had surrendered to the fact that this pregnancy was over, but I was self-righteously fighting how the days and weeks would follow to close this chapter. There were issues with my insurance company and poor communication that left me feeling hurt, overlooked and so unsure.

On the morning of the day to deliver the baby, I came to Jesus one more time, exhausted, heartbroken, and full of anxiety. I begged for his presence and he gently showed me my self-absorption. I remembered my own confession of being “in” and realized how true that was not in the previous week. The dance of surrender and relief are only so perfectly in step in His grace.  The gift of repentance brought peace and rest. In perfect mercy, Jesus gave me a beautiful redeeming moment that will forever be etched in my memory. It was the birthday of my firstborn and would be the birthday of my lastborn.

Hard things are hard.

So what do I do with all this? Where does all this leave me and how I see God working?

Here are some bottom line thoughts: 

  ~ I believe that everything about me being a woman is created in the image of God. I believe all that makes me feminine in character is made in his image. I believe the ability to bear and bring forth life is a reflection of our mighty God. I believe that the enemy, who can only bring forth death, is driven wild in anger by that gift. In fact, I think the depth of his hatred and jealousy of women and all they represent is why so much of femininity is under his constant attack.

  ~ Hard things are hard! And some hard things are dang hard! But my hard thing is no less than your hard thing and your hard thing is no less than mine. They are not to be compared nor minimized. We are promised troubles in this word. It is a sure and absolute certainty. However, we are given equally certain promises that we will never have to walk them alone. Promises of sufficient and daily grace. Promises of rest in our weariness and strength in our weakness. Promises of hope and uncommon peace in the midst of doubt and chaos. Promises of a purpose bigger than me and my own personal legacy.

  ~ Hard things do not have to define us. But they absolutely shape us. My circumstances are merely that; the surrounding conditions of hurt and casualty. They are not the full measure of who I am. My identity is not a mom who has miscarried 4 babies forever in grief and loss. What distinguishes me as an individual is the fact that I am a daughter of the King of Kings! What defines me is that I am I dearly loved child of the Most High! Hard things give us the opportunity to run to our Comforter and be comforted and held so close. To tenderly crawl up in the lap of The Resurrection and find rest and peace. Hard things can also shift our hearts to grow cold when we don’t draw near. Hard things can shape and warp our perspective when we try to wrestle it out in our own limited understanding. Hard things do no have to define us but they most definitely will shape us. The freedom is we get to choose what shape.

  ~ If the blind man had to walk a hard life so that others would see the power of God in him, then Lord, I want others see you in this hard thing. I know my husband and my daughters are watching. And boy do I ever want my kids to see and know Jesus! I want to grieve well. I want to suffer well. I want the power of God to be seen in me. My circumstances, like the blind man, are not the result of my sin or my parents sin. But they are an opportunity for the Lord to work.  An opportunity for him to move and display for others that are watching what miraculous life looks like.

  ~ One last thing I see God teaching me is what the Word means for us to die daily. It is a submission of my will, a release of control. It’s not a submission that is only required when life feels comfortable. It is a daily relent that I am not the author of my own story. Submission is purposed to be a gift to us. A gift in the humbling reality that we actually control so little. It is a gift that ushers in his daily, sustaining grace. A gift that brings fresh and all sufficient mercy. The things I do have control over are my perspective and my response.  Both of which will vary greatly depending on whether or not I choose to surrender.

I don’t get it all right. Not ever close. But I don’t want to mess up any more of this opportunity of walking through a hard thing. Especially as I hope to never walk this exact road again. Hard things are hard. But His grace is enough. I’ve been far enough down this road with Him to tenderly know it’s true. 

My hope in sharing all this is not just personal therapy, although it certainly helps. My hope in sharing my story is to encourage you in your hard thing. Your hard things IS hard! Relationships, regret, financial stress, loss, health issues, whatever it may be, acknowledge it. Don’t minimize or compare it. It will shape you, it’s meant to. But it does not have to define you. Ask Jesus what power he wants others to see in this. It is powerful to walk through a hard thing and come out of it on the other side. We have the comforting rest that He works ALL things for good for those that love him. 

If you find your self walking a hard road and in need of a walking partner, I’d be honored to be a walking buddy. He gives enough grace. So very often it comes through the hands and feet of others. We can learn together how to grieve well and suffer well. We can be an opportunity for others to see His power.

If the ground that God, Mike and I have covered in the past might be a blessing to you, you can check out those thoughts here.